Unregretful Confessions, take 5:
The power of memory and true to the core "saudade" is crippling when another human touches your life so briefly, yet at such a great impact. As a gust of wind that can sweep you off your feet, even if only for a second or two, it still is a frightening feeling of falling straight to your face, but it's a thrill. The thrill of another soul matching yours and anticipating their next move and experiencing if it's congruent with yours or not. I feel that I've encountered love on an entirely different level than I had ever expected to. It wasn't the sappy "omg this guy is so hot and we like each other sooo much" shit. But the true to its colors "we enjoy spending time and have the same interests" kind of intimacy. The closeness with this person was impeccable and I am fearful I will never have that again. It was as if we were moving in the same motion in one direction without any efforts. It was organic and the most beautiful feeling I've had. To be parallel with someone for the reason they were meant for you, not because work to be on that same playing field was involved. It's hard to imagine that you can really be able to really get along with someone like that. It felt like our bodies were once a mold from each other and we had found one another in a different life. It was meant to be, but for whatever reason it was meant to be for only that short amount of time. My heart is entirely broken and I dread my quiet moments now; the time spent to myself and my thoughts wonder, I can see his face, hear his voice. Nothing in the past can be undone, and that's so so hard to swallow. I think the problem was that we couldn't accept each others pieces that had been broken prior. And for me, I have a lot of pieces that have been smashed, shattered and crumbled in the past, that I am still trying to glue together. I wish things were different. I wish I met him when I was in a different place in my life, at a stronger place in my life, more stable and not so many walls built up from prior scars and injuries, and able to give more of myself with less broken pieces. He deserves that. I wish I could be more. And my greatest fear is that it's forever done between us. That he was only meant to be in my life for those quick moments. It breaks me.
