fork and knife

A nameless ghost.. When you realize you have major father issues. You can't watch a movie without crying and feel a terrible burning coal within your core. When you yearn so badly to rid yourself of the hurt and unnecessary desire to have some type of acknowledgment and acceptance. The acceptance of a man of who you are and what you stand for. I don't have that. I am a very strong and independent woman, yet I am crippled from my past and hatred I bare  within my soul.

I am turning twenty eight this year, and I feel the last ten years have been filled with angst and ill feelings forming from deep within. The lack of so many things had been crashing down over the years and it had finally breached the lining withholding it all in. 

When you can seek and find a place within yourself to acknowledge the darkest secrets, that you yourself held for years but never even knew, is astounding. It is so overwhelming I hardly know where to turn within myself to keep control and stabilize. It's truly overtaking, and the most frightening emotion I've encountered. A dead ghost walks through my memories and haunts me when I look in the mirror. I see him. I see his mistakes and characteristics within myself. Behold, the rebirth of a fractured human being. 

feels.

its that blank moment. you are dumbfounded and blown the fuck away with how things have unfolded right before you. plop, in your lap like, hi here i am, get with it. 

its when you are smacked in the face with reality and do not shy from it, but accept it for its rawness and dangerous truth that has become. the once fabricated beliefs have now dissipated and this is what your left with. why not, take it for what it is. 

its when you are face to face with your demise and can look it deep in the eyes and accept the damn thing. accept. tpecca. accept. ohh, you've been a tough one to get my hands on. 

its like this. its like the epitome of becoming a "stable" person, mostly on the inside and out, but one small instance can swipe it from right beneath your feet. splat, there goes everything you built, and now you're back at square one. which is ok. you just need to battle yourself internally, again, to gain sanity. 

its the calm before the storm when you think you can shed all emotions and feels that will insert negative notations to your life and will inquire you to be stagnant. true self reflection. the type of reflection when you actually take your own damn advice for the first time in years. 

its when you are scared shitless of letting go, putting your efforts to a halt, and basically retire all memories and thoughts that frequent your mind on the daily. like what the fuck else will occupy me?

its like this. and its happening right now. 

neptune

when is it that i start to stop thinking about you on the reg. 

when is it that your face becomes blurred and I can't really remember what your favorite pizza is. 

i'm starving for the moment when i can't hear your voice in my head, and when you become a distant memory. 

i want to replace the amount of times that your name pops in my head with anything else on the planet; 

screaming babies, gargled blood, leaves burning in july.  

Amsterdam

Unregretful Confessions, take 5: 

The power of memory and true to the core "saudade" is crippling when another human touches your life so briefly, yet at such a great impact. As a gust of wind that can sweep you off your feet, even if only for a second or two, it still is a frightening feeling of falling straight to your face, but it's a thrill. The thrill of another soul matching yours and anticipating their next move and experiencing if it's congruent with yours or not. I feel that I've encountered love on an entirely different level than I had ever expected to. It wasn't the sappy "omg this guy is so hot and we like each other sooo much" shit. But the true to its colors "we enjoy spending time and have the same interests" kind of intimacy. The closeness with this person was impeccable and I am fearful I will never have that again. It was as if we were moving in the same motion in one direction without any efforts. It was organic and the most beautiful feeling I've had. To be parallel with someone for the reason they were meant for you, not because work to be on that same playing field was involved. It's hard to imagine that you can really be able to really get along with someone like that. It felt like our bodies were once a mold from each other and we had found one another in a different life. It was meant to be, but for whatever reason it was meant to be for only that short amount of time. My heart is entirely broken and I dread my quiet moments now; the time spent to myself and my thoughts wonder, I can see his face, hear his voice.  Nothing in the past can be undone, and that's so so hard to swallow. I think the problem was that we couldn't accept each others pieces that had been broken prior. And for me, I have a lot of pieces that have been smashed, shattered and crumbled in the past, that I am still trying to glue together. I wish things were different. I wish I met him when I was in a different place in my life, at a stronger place in my life, more stable and not so many walls built up from prior scars and injuries, and able to give more of myself with less broken pieces. He deserves that. I wish I could be more. And my greatest fear is that it's forever done between us. That he was only meant to be in my life for those quick moments. It breaks me. 

Idea for strings

I'm sitting here, staring at a blank screen and cannot hold back the tears and sharp tingles from overtaking my body. Images and home movies flood my mind and play on repeat behind my eyes lids. It's a twenty four hour special, and I'm on day 64. The torture sets in and I can almost hear your heart beat and feel you inhale, exhale. I crack a smile because the foreign feeling almost feels real. This routine has become my grave.  I can feel my heart becoming heavier, it’s become much more difficult to laugh at someone’s joke, smile back at strangers on public transportation, or even want to go out with friends; because it’s not you.  My heart aches, and I can't even talk to you about it. I can't express to you how much you've impacted my life and how much I really appreciated having you in my life and sharing experiences with me that I've never encountered with anyone else. I want so much for things to be as they were, when we'd tell each other all of our secrets and share our hopes and aspirations with one another. You were my best friend. You were my everything. Time and time again I write letters that were never intended on being delivered, writing them just helps with making me feel closer you somehow. When I reread the curves in my penmanship, it's like I can see the expressions on your face if you were reading the words with me; the frowns, sympathetic eyes, even the tightness in your lips when you read something you do not necessarily enjoy. The morning has now passed and the most I’ve done is respond to one email. I am a sloth. I am turtle moseying around on a Sunday afternoon. This is what I’ve become, a despondent human with heart ache that is unbearably taking over my sanity. It’s like I’m devoted to something that does not exist anymore. It’s a memory that I refuse to give up. And I refuse to give it up because it was the most real  thing I have ever felt and touched. And I feel like now I have fallen into a dream. My ritual of chasing after something that isn't there. Everything reminds me of you, every song. Every car that goes by. Every steak burrito with no beans or cheese. Extra salsa. I try and find your face in a crowd, and am always so disappointed when it can't be found. And yet at the same time I feel like I see your face everywhere, it's like you're somehow always with me. The shapes your mouth makes when you spill out words is so vivid. I can hear you say certain words and the pitch of your voice when you feel different emotions; they echo between my ears regularly. Even the crinkle in your now when you laugh at something hilarious, it feeds me joy to think of that. I love and I hate how I know all these things, feel these things, have lived these things. They are moments that no one else can experience or even slightly get a glimpse of. They are mine of you. Most days I stumble upon these ridiculously great songs that I immediately want to share with you. I want you to hear the rhythms and melodies that make me think of you, and I want you to know that you make me feel a way that only music can barely equivocate to; it makes me feel closer to you. I think to myself that you'd like it because I like it and I've never have had that feeling of glimpsing at someone's soul that way. I feel like this fog will never be lifted. This state of mind, missing you, feeling such a huge loss, will forever be apart of me. I feel like I'm constantly planning, constantly working out, constantly trying to fix what's broken.